Gamer? Annoying!
by Tama Saga
Summary: He didn't want the job. Unfortunately, he happened to be at the right place at the wrong time. Needless to say, Naruto can add another job title to his impressive resume. Game Master. Buggy design, a whimsical moderator, and unfair gods. Those poor Gamers...


Disclaimer 1: I don't own Naruto or HSDxD. They are owned by Masashi Kishimoto and Ichiei Ishibumi respectively. I am borrowing their characters and their settings without their permission to tell a story.

Disclaimer 2: This story is not Betaed. If anyone wants to volunteer to beta this story, even though it's been posted. Feel free to let me know. You don't have to worry about spelling and grammar, you just need to point out where it's difficult to follow as well as contribute ideas to make it better.

Please note that the Naruto portrayed here is not the same one as the one in _Toad Summoner Summons_. Yes, he's still god-like, but he has a different backstory.

The following warnings apply:  
 **Idiot Naruto** \- Foolish and stupid moments galore.  
 **Long-Lived Naruto** \- Naruto's extreme strength comes from living an extremely long time.  
 **Fantastic Abilities** \- Naruto possesses skills not found in the manga/anime. Like the ability to repair technology. This comes about because he has free time and a passing interest in the stuff.  
 **Cursing** \- Curse words will appear. Words such as fk, and bullsht.  
 **Realism** \- Attempts to adhere to the explicitly-stated natural laws of the canon universes. i.e. You won't find Naruto spontaneously using the Byakugan, Sharingan, Rinnegan, Mokuton, and Super Saiyan level 3. It's true that, in canon, Uchiha genetics would somehow make this possible...but Naruto is NOT an Uchiha.  
 **Artistic** \- Canon rules have a measure of ambiguity. This ambiguity can be interpreted to fit the story for plot or mood.  
 **Light Novel style** \- Attempts to induce a casual reading format by concentrating on the story while reducing descriptive details / separating long sentences.  
 **Not a Badass Naruto** \- Naruto does take grief. But he's likely to return the favor in a childish way.  
 **Prankster Naruto** \- If you've lived a long time, if you see the chance, you're going to take it.  
 **Comedic** \- Events tend to be told in a humorous fashion.  
 **Serious** \- Despite the focus on humor, this isn't a parody. It's a serious attempt at story-telling. In other words, corners were not cut for self-gratification purposes.

* * *

The location? The dimensional gap. A realm where iridescent colors mixed in every direction.

Uproarious laughter could be heard as a pair of beings sat before an infinitely sized LCD. How big is an infinitely-sized LCD? Big enough that the two were forced to use the picture in picture feature or risk standing an astronomically far distance away just to see one pixel of the screen.

"Did you see that? Did you see that?"

The excited one was Uzumaki Naruto. Spiky blond hair, blue eyes. Human, probably. He had shown up in the dimensional gap one day and the rest is sort of history.

"Ahahahahaha"

The one laughing his head off in a maniacal manner was Great Red. Known as the True Dragon. Currently shapeshifted into a humanoid form so he can properly grasp a game controller.

The game that they were playing was a weird mix of rpg, dating sim, and fighting.

It was, surprisingly bad...there was a _cat-eared yandere dojikko bunny maid trap_ that tended to stab and kill the protagonist should he spend any sort of time with the other girls.

And yet they played it anyway. Why? First of all, these two had too much time on their hands. Second of all, the crazy girl pissed them off and they wanted to show her her place.

There was a breakthrough on their last attempt. That time, they tried reaching level 9999 before initiating the street fighting bullet hell mode. It was only then that their much-hated opponent revealed a SIXTH transformation as well as the ability to come out of the TV.

It didn't take them long to convince her to evolve to her never-before-seen NINTH transformation. It was unprecedented, but they convinced her. After all, there was a difference between gods and the creations of mortals.

By that time, she was the size of a skyscraper. And it still wasn't enough!

Like I said, there was a difference between gods and the creations of mere mortals. Without batting an eyelash at her extreme size, they promptly showed her the errors of her ways.

Unfortunately, it was at this point where the gods proceeded to brawl with each other over who was allowed to finish off the shitty brat. By the time they took a break, they realized that she had taken advantage of the chaos to escape back into the game.

So here they were, playing the stupid game again. This time, they were going to pull her out for round two and they were damn well sure going to tie her up so that she couldn't escape. And THEN they were going to brawl for the right to crush her under their foot.

But...it wasn't going so well. No matter what they did, the target of their revenge seemed to have disappeared from the game.

"Use the baseball bat! It has the best attack."

"Shut up, I know what I'm doing!"

At least the game was as entertaining as ever. Taking the place of the _cat-eared yandere dojikko bunny maid_ was a _bodybuilding super-muscular glasses guy in a cow-themed magical girl outfit._

Skimpy adult version.

It was enough to make you claw your eyes out.

"Holy shit! He took it! What the hell?! He made a pose to show off his abdominal muscles and armpit hair before taking your ultimate attack head on! Geh, he's running over!"

"Hell no! Go back to where you came from!"

"Quick, use the-Bwaaak"

Naruto was suddenly launched from his floating spot by someone punching him in the head.

 _ **-Crack-**_

The display on the LCD screen abruptly went black as the blond man was buried inside, putting a hole in some valuable circuitry.

With the screen gone, the one holding the controller wasn't able to see what was happening and so was unable to respond.

The speakers soon let out a grotesque scream. That was the sound of the protagonist dying in a horrible manner and the cue for the game over screen to appear. Even if the TV was broken, the speakers were working just fine.

And now they were emitting the sound of dull groans, a dragging shuffle, and tortured moans. Did the protagonist become a zombie? Considering everything else that the game was, a zombie thriller wouldn't be out of the ballpark.

"You stupid blond monkey! I was about to win, why'd you go and shove your head into the TV for?! Fix it! We need to get our revenge!"

"You shut up! It's not my fault! Ophis-chan ambushed me while I wasn't looking."

"Ophis? Oh, midget. You're back."

"You two are noisy. Get out of my home."

Her demand went unheeded as a loud shout filled the air.

"Alright men! We got him out. Let's go go go!"

As Naruto was pulled out from where he was embedded, a thousand of his clones carrying assorted knicknacks swarmed the hole in the TV.

"I need a number two socket wrench here!"

 _ **BANG BANG BANG**_

"There isn't enough..."

 _ **SAW SAW SAW**_

"Gyaaaaah!"

"Holy shit! Man down!"

 _ **CLANG BANG BANG BANG**_

"Turn off the power!"

 _ **WVROOM VROOM**_

"Someone get rid of the smoke!"

Annoyed, Ophis held a palm out and a black beam of dragon fire lanced through the air. A thousand voices let out a brief cry of terror before silence once again descended upon the Dimensional Gap.

"Quiet."

"Naruto floated over, looking extra crispy. The remaining few clone survivors floated over as well."

"Dammit Ophis-chan! They deserved it, but did you have to hit me too?!"

"What do you mean we deserved it?!"

"You were loud!"

"Of course we need to be loud! That zombie groaning in the background is creepy as fuck! Who the hell picked this game anyway?!"

A game controller mercilessly slammed into the clone, causing it to go up in a cloud of smoke.

Before Naruto could say a word, his jacket collar had been seized and he was brought face to face with a scowling red hair man.

"Fix the damn TV already. I want my revenge."

"Fix it yourself!"

"Huh? Wd'ya just say?!"

"Are you deaf or something old man? I said..."

Naruto used the moment's pause to inhale an extremely deep breath before shouting...

"...FIX IT YOURSELF!"

...as loudly as he could directly into Great Red's ear. He suddenly found himself flung away.

"You...Monkey, this has been a long time in coming..."

Great Red growled as he suddenly expanded to massive proportions. He was shape-shifting back into a dragon.

"...Couldn't say it any better myself. It's time for me to teach you who's the boss around here like I did half an hour ago."

The 1.9 meter man faced off against the the 100 meter lizard with absolutely no fear in his eyes.

"Half an hour ago there was snivelling monkey crying at the loss of his beloved girlfriend to a truck," The red dragon chuckled in a low voice.

"Oh, that's it-"

Furious, Naruto immediately shot toward Great Red, preparing to deliver a bone-crushing punch to the red dragon's face.

A black blur flickered into view before him, intercepting him midway. It was Ophis with a hard glare on her face and a fist drawn back.

 _ **THUD**_

When she punched him in the gut, you could see the shock wave blasting out into the surroundings. That was how hard she had hit him. Where did someone 50 centimeters shorter get that sort of power from?

"I, said quiet."

Cough, gasp... "W-What the hell, Ophis-chan. That's twice already, what'd I do?!"

"This is my home. You two, leave."

"No." "You're kicking me out?!"

Great Red was defiant while Naruto had the appearance of a kicked puppy.

"Yes."

"No." "No."

Now both of them were defiant.

"Annoying."

Despite all of the times that she showed up, mostly because Naruto dragged her over, Ophis wouldn't stay long. The pattern itself remained unchanged for the most part. First she would demand that the squatters leave the premises. After receiving an emphatic no from both, she would depart soon after.

This time around...was different. Instead of leaving, she just stood there. The blank look in her eyes somehow seemed to stare deeply into the two of them. Was she looking for a fight?

"We will play a game."

"A game?" "What's this?"

"I win, you leave and never come back. I lose, you may stay for two seconds every hundred years."

"..."

"Wait a minute, what the hell?!"

It had taken a moment to process before both men shouted that at the same time.

"You do not accept?"

"Bite me!" "No way!"

"Very strange. Why?"

"What's with those conditions? They're both practically the same!"

"Are you afraid that you will lose?"

"No! Like I said, there's no point winning or losing because the rewards are almost the same."

"...You might be right."

"See!"

"Then, a slight change...I win, you leave and never come back. I lose, you may stay for one second every thousand years."

"The terms got even worse!"

"No good? Then I propose..."

"Wait! You were about to say half a microsecond every ten-thousand years, weren't you?"

"...Yes."

"Forget that! Go back! Up! Like way up!"

"...why?"

Naruto didn't get a chance to respond since Great Red took that moment to add his conditions.

"I win, I stay here like before and you bring a bucket of chicken wings next time you appear."

"I refuse," Ophis coolly responded.

"Then no game." Great Red boredly answered.

"You have to play."

"Why should I?"

"You. Afraid that you will lose?"

"Eh, no. It's like the blond monkey said, there's nothing in it for me if I play by your terms."

"..."

"..."

"...Fine. I win, you leave and never come back. You win, I will bring chicken once I take back my home."

After a long moment of silence, Ophis had finally acquiesced. Although her wording seemed a little strange.

"Okay, now my blood is boiling. You're on!"

...But it's not like Great Red noticed.

"Hey! What about me?!"

"You. Leave."

Ophis had a cold look on her face. It was a simple answer in regards to the question of Naruto's participation.

"This is between the two of us. Blond monkeys should show their primitive butts to the front door."

Great Red had the same answer.

"Y-you guys. Hmmph. Just try and kick me out!"

Ophis frowned. "...Stay," she finally said. It really was too much trouble kicking this guy out.

"Midget might say otherwise, but I'm going to take your offer."

"Hah! You won't succeed. But even if you do, good luck fixing the TV while I'm out."

Great Red was good at a lot of things, but fixing electronics wasn't one of them.

"That game was boring anyway," the red dragon casually brushed off.

"Well yeah, but you were the one playing it the most." Naruto pointed out.

"So?"

Naruto started to pick his ear. "You died."

"Come again?" The red dragon couldn't believe what he was hearing. This shitty guy was being brave.

But Naruto was unafraid. In fact, he continued his verbal assault. "Game Over. You were hugged to death."

"..." By this point, Great Red was silently gnashing his teeth.

But Naruto had good cause to say what he did as he proceeded to point at the fully operational TV. On the screen, in blood-red letters were those very disturbing words. Ninja clones, fixing stuff without you realizing it.

"..." And now the red dragon's eyes had started to glow red.

In the meantime, Naruto had one last finisher to add. "Loser."

The game controller was in the dragon's hands as he swifly transformed back to human form.

"If you even think about leaving, I'll kill you. Stay right there and I'll show you who's the boss you idiot monkey."

With a grin, Naruto turned towards Ophis.

"So it looks like I'm playing too."

"..." she silently stared at him, telling him to get to the point.

"Bring Ramen when you visit next time."

"..."

"That's what I want."

"..."

"..."

"...I win, you both leave and never return. Baka Red wins, I'll bring chicken. Baka Fishcake wins, I'll bring ramen. Is this okay?"

"Get on with it! I've got a game to finish!" "Sounds good."

"Then, Aschente."

"...What's that supposed to mean?"

Ophis didn't respond. Instead, she had resumed staring expressionlessly at him once again.

"Nevermind, forget it. So, what's the game?"

"..."

Ophis slowly turned and pointed.

"...That."

Naruto turned to see where she was pointing. It looked like she was gesturing at the TV screen. Dialogue was taking place between the protagonist and the pink-haired leader of the volleyball team.

"That?" Naruto finally repeated, he was unsure of where she was going with this.

He soon had his answer. While Great Red was occupied, Naruto was soon privy to all of the details as the Ouroboros dragon in girl form explained how she wanted the game to play out. Of course, there was some arguing, but in the end it seemed doable.

While Ophis was pointing at the screen, it wasn't so much that she wanted to play the game but that she wanted to set up a game similar to what was on the screen.

While the two knew about her activities recruiting members to take down Great Red, they didn't really care much about it. But that must be where she got the idea from. In a sense, minions that they pick would level up in some sort of real life role playing game. After a set period of time, they would fight. Whichever minion reaches the end, the accompanying sponsor will be considered the winner.

That left one final question...

...in which the answer was a no brainer.

Who, of the three possessed the technical ability to handle the game?  
Who, of the three was impartial enough to have absolutely no stake in the game itself save for a bowl of ramen?  
Who, of the three was able to be in multiple places at once?  
Who, of the three could hide in plain sight even while wearing only neon-green body paint and fake bushy brows?  
Who, of the three seemed to have the most time on his hands?

Of course he wasn't going to take that lying down. He was especially pissed about that last point. Just because he didn't spend time running a rebellion or flying crazily around empty space doesn't mean that he wasn't busy.

But Naruto's protests fell on deaf ears. In fact, they truly were ignoring him. When he threatened to favor his candidate, the two just shrugged.

As for what had happened, Naruto had become the game master.

He made a mental note to get back at Great Red for the body paint incident.

* * *

It was now time to pick their candidates. Ophis and Naruto stood next to each other, holding hands. He didn't know why, but it looked like Ophis wanted him to take her with him. Is it because she wanted him to smuggle her somewhere? Sure he was an unknown to nearly everyone but these two, but with how reclusive she was, Ophis should also have no problems going wherever she desired.

But, they were standing together, ready to leave. No idea what Great Red was doing since he continued to sit there in his spot playing video games.

Before the two left, Ophis turned toward Great Red.

"I shall defeat Great Red."

Said dragon paused the game he was playing to glare at her.

"Midget..."

But he never got a chance to finish since the two had vanished.

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

The scene shifted and the luminescent colors formed themselves into solid physical objects like trees and buildings. The sky was purple.

The two had left the Dimensional Gap.

Ophis then pulled her hand free, turned, and looked up at the blond man.

"I will defeat Baka Fishcake too."

"Ophis-chan..."

Naruto returned her vacant stare with his own look of challenge.

"...prepare to lose!"

With that, the two split up and went their separate ways.

Their current location, the Underworld. Devil territory.

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

Let's see, the rules of their game...

 **\- Compete in a role-playing-like game with the ability to level up, stat up, and skill up.**

 **\- Pick a game piece before the day is up. The game pieces will be shown tomorrow. Failure to do so counts as a forfeiture.**

 **\- Once shown off, you can't change your selection.**

 **\- The gamemaster is responsible for giving quests, keeping track of status, and making sure players adhere to the rules.**

 **\- Rules for the game are based on role-playing-game rulebook, fifth edition.**

 **\- Once the game has started, the sponsors aren't allowed to interfere with any pieces in play. Naruto is excepted from this rule since he is the game master.**

 **\- At the end of the game, there will be a battle royale to determine the strongest piece.**

Naruto had a large book in hand. Contained within were the rules of the game. Like how much exp to give when defeating a level XX monster. Available skills that can be learned and effects of those skills, etc.

The rules stated that they were going to play according to the newest edition, the 5th. But the fifth edition was still being shipped out so it wouldn't reach store shelves until later today or tomorrow. Ophis had assured them that it wasn't much different from the 4th. She even showed them a draft that she had borrowed a while ago.

After comparing the two, they found that she was right. Some wording subject to change here and there, but in the end it was almost word for word to the point that one who played with the 4th edition could jump into a 5th edition.

Sure, there were a few dramatic differences, one of them was the addition of some rules for adding new players in the middle of a game. But it was only going to be the three of them playing, so this rule didn't apply.

Then there were the new races, like the undead dragons. Which sounded kind of creepy, but it seemed like a popular race.

And there was an interesting new battle mechanic, combination attacks, where multiple party members perform a preset simultaneous attack for a damage bonus.

Save for the combo attacks, none of the new stuff seemed applicable. So even if it was going to be released later today, he decided that there was no need to wait and bought the Fourth edition book from a devil's bookstore. It should be fine.

So now he was sneaking through Kuoh. _After some things happened in the underworld_ , this was where he ended up.

He had a few candidates picked out so far, but none of them really seemed to call out to him. In this school, the promising ones tended to be devils. Unfortunately, their levels were a bit too high, with the lowest one being level ten.

So where was he supposed to find a level 1?

"Ohhh! Murayama seriously has big tits!"

His thoughts were answered by the sound of some sort of weird laughter. It sounded sort of like a perverted chuckle.

"Ahhh, Katase sure has nice legs".

Normally, the voices would barely be audible, but Naruto did have very good hearing. Curious, Naruto backtracked a few steps back before stopping in front of a closed door. The voices seemed to be coming from the other side.

Carefully sliding it open, he took a peek inside. It looked like a storage room of some kind. Tilting his head slightly, he soon spotted a trio of boys fighting over what seemed to be a peep hole.

By this point, he had a fair idea of what was going on.

And from the way the fighting was starting to become heated, it wasn't too much longer before they would reveal themselves to whoever was next door.

"Let me see!" one of them finally shouted. Yup, that was going to give them away. After sliding the door shut and stepping back, it was time to watch the fireworks.

Sure enough, it was only moments later when a group of furious half-dressed girls armed with wooden training swords burst out from the room next door.

At the same time, the door to the storage room flew open as a pair of boys ran out.

"You guys again!"

"After them!"

Both boys immediately took off screaming in the other direction while the girls chased after them waving wooden sticks in the air.

He watched all of this happen from the shadows, not budging an inch to assist either side.

After all, it was the last boy that had interested him. He should still be inside the storage room.

It didn't take long for him to finally appear. He was half-crawling half-dragging himself out of the room, tears streaming down his face. It must have been a terrible shock. To finally get a chance to look but the nubile girls had already disappeared. Still, despite his mood, he did maintain some semblance of survival instincts as he looked around carefully before escaping down one of the halls.

Naruto followed silently behind him.

When the boy finally stopped, Naruto just stood there, not worried in the least that he'd be spotted.

"You...you...hahahaha. You guys totally deserved that for hogging the view."

It was as if his depression was a farce. All cloudiness had vanished to be replaced by a smug look as he started gloating. The reason for his good mood was that he had come across the heavily mosaiced remains of the two boys that had run earlier.

"...they know," one of the heavily mosaiced forms finally groaned.

"Know? Know what?"

"There should be a third one! Find him!"

The angry shout came from nearby.

"H-How?!"

"We told them..."

"I found him. He's right here!"

"I can't believe that you bastards sold me out!"

There was no time to hear the reply as this time it was the final boy's turn to run off screaming.

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

"Get back here!"

If there was one thing he was proud of, it was his speed at running away. And when his buddies weren't there to trip him and sacrifice him, he could stay ahead of most pursuers.

It was a bit tough though...the girls were half-dressed after all and he found his attention wandering. But his survival instincts barely held on.

There was one other problem though. It was one versus 8. And when the enemy side had a numbers advantage, they tended to employ certain tactics.

The third boy was forced to stop before he turned down a different path at the intersection.

A pair of girls were dashing toward him and they were moving fast.

And soon, he found himself turning once again when a different pair of girls came from his intended route.

He ran up a different hallway only to stop midway as well when another pair of girls came running toward him.

He had been surrounded.

This sucked. He didn't get a chance to see anything and now he was going to be beaten up for it.

"Mmmph..."

That was when a large hand darted out and grabbed his face from behind and bodily dragged him into a nearby classroom. The door slid shut with a bang.

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

The girls stopped in front of the classroom. Several of them were panting heavily. Whether it was from anger or exhaustion, it was somewhat hard to tell.

They had seen their intended target get dragged into this room.

Murayama took the lead while Katase closely followed behind her. Both were equipped with a bokken to defend themselves.

At an unspoken signal, Katase silently took hold of the door while Murayama stood in a guard position in front, fully prepared to lash out in a moments notice.

Katase quickly slid the door open and Murayama raised her weapon over her head as she charged in with a Kiai!

Katase followed immediately and all of the other girls darted in as well.

Inside the room, silence descended upon the gathered girls.

The room was empty.

"Where did he go?"

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

HE happened to be standing in front of the shoe lockers. He wasn't sure how it happened, one minute he was in the classroom the next moment he was here. But there was a palpable feeling of relief when he realized that he had escaped.

And fear.

Fear for the one responsible for saving him. That was standing next to him with an easygoing grin, waiting for him to put on his outdoor shoes so that they could leave. What was to fear about him? This guy was huge! What was he, like 2 meters or something?! He had to be a foreigner with his blond hair, blue eyes, and tall physique.

Although he had this horrible feeling of danger, there really wasn't a reason to delay. Soon, Issei switched his shoes and they were on their way.

Now how was he supposed to say "Thank You" in English?

"Uh...Shayin Guu"

"Mm?"

That man noticed him trying to say something, but there was a perplexed grin on his face. Did he say it wrong?

"Uh...Sa-en..."

The increasingly amused look on the guy's face wasn't helping matters at all.

"I can speak Japanese just fine."

"You...you can?!"

But after hearing it, he could tell that the foreigner's Japanese was as good as a natural-born speaker's! Relief was audible as he switched back to his native language.

"Yep. Anyway, look at the time. How about we go for a bowl of ramen? My treat."

"I-I uh, gotta go...yeah, I have to get home before my parents start worrying."

"Since I saved you, you have no right to refuse. C'mon, the food's good."

"Then, S-sure..."

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

The guy was right, the ramen was damn good.

It sort of made up for the odd situation where everyone that they passed would stop and glance at the tall blond foreigner.

He really wanted to hide in a hole away from all the stares.

"Okay, then, let's get down to why you're here. You, Matsuda, have been selected to take part in a game."

"?!"

"Hey...yo, dude, say something."

"I'm sorry? Did you just call me Matsuda?!"

"Yeah, isn't that your name?"

"No it's not! I'm not that perverted baldy!"

Ah, the signs of a good friendship. Dissing your buddies behind their back.

"Is that so? Well, what's your name then?"

The guy's voice had some sort of "Oops, ah well, it couldn't have been that important anyway," tone to it. It was kind of annoying.

"Hyoudou Issei."

"Gotcha. Then Issei. Mm...no, I'll just call you Ise. Ise, you've been selected to take part in a game.

"Oh? What's it about? Does it have lots of girls in skimpy uniforms?"

"Of course it does!"

No hesitation. Most people would immediately show suspicion at this point if such a thing were so easy to offer.

"Sweet! Sign me up!"

Alas, where women were concerned, Issei was a little too trusting.

"Hahaha, I knew that you'd do it. I'll come pick you up later tonight. Once the others see you, you'll be part of the game!"

"Wait, where are you going? Don't you need my contact information?"

"Nope! See you at 4!"

"What?! 4? This weekend? Where?!"

But the blond guy had already walked off, humming a tuneless ditty to himself.

Issei was left behind. Confused.

Swell guy though, he left after paying for everything.

* * *

"..."

"..."

"...up..."

"...Ise...up..."

"Ise, wake up..."

"Wuz goin on?"

"C'mon, get up. We've gotta go."

"...it's 4 in the morning...another five minutes."

 _ **Thump**_

"Ouch."

He had been mercilessly dragged off of the bed and onto the floor.

 _ **Splash!**_

A deluge of water completed the waking process. Issei was up and mad.

"Bastard! What'd you do that for?"

"I told you, we have to go."

"Go? Go where?! Wait! Holy shit! It's you! What are you doing here?!"

"I said that I'd see you at 4."

"4? You mean, in the morning?!"

"What else did you think I meant?"

"I dunno, a time when I'm not sleeping, maybe?"

The sarcasm was thick with this one.

"What are you blaming me for? I didn't choose the time."

He put a hand on Issei's shoulder.

"But I did choose the place."

"Wha-"

In a split second, they had vanished from the room.

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

Issei suddenly stumbled before he looked around and he felt like he wanted to hurl when the landscape suddenly changed.

He quickly looked around to regain his bearings. It looked like they were in the nearby park. He could see the dark outline of the water fountain, nearly invisible in the starless sky. The white stonehenge-like arches surrounding it took a different appearance at night.

"What was that?!"

"Instant teleportation. I used it on you once before, remember?"

"When...wait, the shoe lockers?"

"You catch on quick."

"Uhh, thanks. How did you do it?"

If he could do it too, he could imagine all sorts of scenarios where he could get a peek before running away. With how fast it sounds, it'd be the perfect way to escape.

"Would you believe me if I said magic."

...No?

Magic didn't exist, right?

"Good. You're right, it wasn't magic."

"...Then what was it?"

"...The answer to that..."

Issei leaned forward.

"...is a secret."

Issei promptly stumbled and fell forward. While part of that was because of shock and surprise at the answer. The real reason was because he was being dragged down when the guy seized his T-shirt and ducked.

A moment later, a gout of flame roared by.

Issei was in a panic.

"What's going on?!"

"Keep your head down!"

And then the water in the fountain blew up. That was the best way to explain the motionless water at the center erupting into a giant column that sprayed everything in its vincinity as it collapsed.

 _ **CRUMBLE**_

One of the fountain's arches soon started to collapse as its foundation melted from the heat.

"We were never here, got that?"

There was a warning glint in the blond's eye.

"Got it."

Issei said, a serious look on his face too. The other guy stood up.

"Oi! Big red! What was that for?!"

"Tch. Missed. Did I really become that weak?!"

Before the blond could reply, a quiet voice interjected from the side.

"Who is this?"

"Ah. Ophis-chan. Big Red. this is my candidate for the game. Hyoudou...something. I just call him Ise."

"Hyoudou Issei."

"Yeah, that."

When the two looked at him, Issei subconsciously felt icy cold fear stab up and down spine.

"Ise, I'm Uzumaki Naruto. That red haired guy is Big Red. That black haired girl is Ophis-chan. And the three of us are responsible for this game that's about to happen."

"This puny guy? If this is the best that you can do, just admit defeat already!"

The red haired guy said this. He was big all right. Even taller than the blond guy, but with a menacing face to match. He looked like the rough and tough type that wore leather and belonged in a biker gang. Issei immediately swore that if he were ever to tangle with this guy, he'd run like hell. That's how intimidating he looked.

"Like hell I will. You just watch, this guy will kick your guy's ass easily!"

"Strange."

The one who made that comment was Ophis, a skinny girl wearing a revealing black gothic-lolita costume. She was cute and he had the strange urge to hug her. From the way she was glancing repeatedly towards someone else in between staring at him, it looked like she already had someone that she was interested in. Damn it! Riajuu, go die!

"Acceptable." "Whatever." Ophis and Great Red finally said.

"Good news, you've been accepted. Now sign here."

"This? What's this?"

"It's a contract stating that you're a participant of the game."

"Hey wait, you promised me girls in skimpy uniforms? I demand to see the girls before I join!"

"Ophis-chan isn't enough?"

"Uuu, it's true that she's wearing something amazing, but...there's no happiness in her chest!"

"Ah...well, in that case, you'll see them later...maybe."

"Maybe?! Hey, wait. Why do I get the feeling that I'm being pushed into something dangerous? Come to think of it, why are we meeting before the sun is up?"

"Isn't it more mysterious that way?"

"As if! Now I get the feeling that this is one of those secret life and death survival competitions that you see in Manga these days!"

"..."

"Why aren't you saying anything?"

"Don't worry, it'll be fun."

Okay, warning bells are now blaring full throttle. It was time for him to make haste. Issei slowly took a step back.

"Hey, leaving already? You still need to sign the contract."

"Hey, sorry but I really can't stick around. If I'm not back before my cute little sister arrives to wake me up, she'll be really sad."

"You don't have one. I checked."

"You what?! Wait, you did?!"

"With a brother like you, that little sister would have been amazing."

"I know, right?! What a shitty world!"

"Now sign this so we can get on with the showing."

"But..."

"Just sign it punk! I'm tired of waiting!"

Father...Mother...your son has been led astray and is now being forced to sign away his life. Please don't mourn for him and continue enjoying your life. He'll get through this somehow. Ah, if only some divine intervention happened to save him from this crisis.

Unsurprisingly, there was none. Because, ironically, it was divine intervention that made this situtation happen in the first place.

The signing took place without mishap.

"And with that, we move onto the next candidate. Only..."

"Hey, Big Red...where's your candidate?"

Great Red's response was a gruff, "Here."

"Huh?"

"Where?"

"Right Here!"

"Ahahaha, I knew you went senile a long time ago but-"

"You fool! Check my stats!"

"Stats? They're not there. Oooh right, we have to enable them."

"And then a green arrow started bobbing over Issei's head. It marked him as a player. Gold arrows bobbed over the other three."

Some text flickered into view underneath the gold arrow.

 **「** **Uzumaki Naruto, Lv ?」**

 **「** **Ophis, Lv ?」**

Hovering over the red-haired guy was **「** **Great Red, Lv 1」**.

"Level 1? You're your own candidate?!"

"Yeah? What about it? As if I'd leave something this amusing to someone else."

"..."

"Hey, is that legal?" Naruto asked the girl standing across from him. Said girl was quickly scrolling through the menus. With a sweeping gesture, she closed them.

"Acceptable."

"Uhh, if Ophis-chan gives the okay, then I guess you get to sign the contract."

Naruto held out a copy of the contract that he had given to Issei earlier.

"Hmmph."

Great Red took it and did just that. His golden cursor turned green.

"W-What the hell is this?! Why do you guys have gold cursors floating over your head? And what's with the words being written in midair with nothing to hold them? And there are health and mana bars now?!"

It looks like Issei had finally realized that his reality was being altered.

"Didn't I just tell you? You're now in a game. You signed the contract and everything."

"Who are you guys?!"

"I can't speak for them but, for me, I'm just a random traveller lost on the Path of Life."

"I don't believe it! This is a prank, right?! Where's the camera?!"

"Eh, over there."

Naruto was nonchalantly pointing toward the fountain.

Issei squinted into the darkness.

"I don't see anything," the brown-haired boy finally said.

"Idiot, our cameras are way better than whatever you could find here on Earth. That was just to distract you!"

"Eh?"

"Take this!"

 _ **THUMP**_

Issei felt something kick him from behind...

"Gyaaaah!"

 _ **SPLASH**_

...he landed directly into the fountain from the sneak attack.

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

"Calmed down yet?"

Naruto asked as he dragged the sopping wet boy out of the fountain. The fact that he was standing on water was totally lost on the one struggling to maintain a grip on reality.

"Y-yeah."

"Good. Your turn Ophis-chan."

Said-girl was standing alone.

"Don't tell me...are you your own piece too? You'll need to do something about your level."

Naruto held out a third copy of the contract. Ophis raised a hand and brushed him off while shaking her head.

"Not here yet."

"Oh...gotcha. Looks like we need to wait for one more person."

Naruto put away the third contract.

Fifteen minutes later, Issei finally stopped spacing out and started to look around again. His gaze fell upon Naruto.

Above the blond's head was the same text as before...

 **「** **Uzumaki Naruto, Lv ?」**

Naruto was bored. So when he felt Issei's gaze, he welcomed the opportunity to do something.

"Hmm? Checking me out? That's good, you've managed to satisfy the prerequisites. Even if every Gamer seems to receive it, this skill is so broken it's not even funny."

...he poked a spot before him.

And text suddenly floated in front of Issei's eyes.

 **A new skill has appeared.**  
 **「** **Observe Lv. 0」**  
 **By paying close attention to your surroundings, you notice details that others would normally miss. At Level 0, you're able to glean the very basics of the basics.**

"What the hell is this?!"

"It's a skill. As a gamer, you're entitled to these macros. Abuse them to make your life easier. Here, use the skill on Ophis-chan."

"Use it? How?"

"Uhh, I believe if you want it to happen, it will happen."

"W-what? Uhh, 「Observe」"

More text floated before him.

 **Ophis, Lv ?  
Nickname: Ouroboros Dragon  
Faction: Dragon  
Affiliation: ?  
HP: ?/?  
MP: ?/?  
Str: ?  
Agi: ?  
Dex: ?  
Vit: ?  
Int: ?  
Wis: ?  
Description: You don't know much about her. It's probably best if you don't dig any further.  
(67/52/68)**

"It's all question marks!"

"Yeah, her level is way over your own. Plus your 「Observe」 isn't very high."

"Hey...what are those three numbers at the bottom?"

"Hmm? Ahhh..."

There was a look of enlightenment on Naruto's face. Conversely, an odd look appeared on Issei's face upon seeing that reaction.

"...What is it?"

"...You unlocked another skill, good job."

"Wait, you never answered my previous question."

"It should be pretty obvious when you see the skill."

 **A New Skill has Appeared  
「** **Eyes of a Pervert, Lv. 0 (Passive)」**

 **A rare skill. Only held by those with perverted inclinations that far exceed the average. Your lust holds no bounds and your eyes tend to wander. Rejoice, you can pick out a girl's three sizes with just a glance. As the skill levels, you will gain the ability to accurately assess a girl's vital statistics through thicker and thicker clothing as well as disguises. At Max Level, she can be hiding behind a steel wall and you'll still be able to accurately pick out those three special numbers.**

 **Activates when using 「** **Observe」** **.  
Part of the 「** **Tools of the Pervert」** **series of skills.**

"This...This...was so cool! Hahaha, Motohama wasn't the only one with this skill now."

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

At the half-hour mark, Ophis promptly disappeared.

She soon returned while carrying a crying twintailed girl over her shoulder. As soon as she dumped the crying girl to the floor, said girl immediately jumped backwards into the air before sliding to a halt on her hands and knees as she lowered her head before the black-haired one. Her forehead made a clonk as it slammed into the floor upon landing.

It was a flying dogeza! She had taken a traditional means for humbly expressing an apology and used an advanced variation! It was so beautifully executed that even Issei, who considered himself a master after having been caught peeping one-too-many times, wanted to take pointers to improve his own form.

"Ouchie...Waaaah! I'm soo sorry. I was busy and I forgot about our appointment. Please don't eat me! I'm not tasty at all!"

Ophis calmly pointed at the girl snivelling at her feet.

"This is my game piece."

 **「** **Serafall Leviathan~✩. Level ?」**

"...oi."

"What bullshit is this?!"

"Hey, isn't it common sense that a character in an RPG starts from level 1?"

Ophis looked unperturbed. "The rules...no level limit," she finally said after a slow blink.

Naruto immediately took offense to that as he ripped the Fourth Edition game book from his pocket.

"Bullshit! There was a level limit!"

He took a moment to flip to the correct page.

"Look! Right here! There's a rule in this book about starting characters. Level 9 max."

Ophis calmly pushed the opened book away from her face before a book materialized in her hands.

"This came out today." she responded. Fifth edition was emblazoned on the front.

Naruto immediately flipped to the right section. And then he quickly ripped the new book apart as a bunch of him suddenly came over. They each took a piece to read over.

Issei had to blink and rub his eyes at that. Ah...right, that explained everything. Multiple copies of the guy that he had met yesterday. The floating text. The fire. The crazy oppai loli in magical girl cosplay crying while in dogeza. Everything. He was still sleeping. Ugh...then if he was still sleeping, the uncomfortable wet clothing that he now wore meant that...

No! Impossible! He had stopped a long time ago. It took until the second grade, but he had stopped. It was the result of a wet dream then, right? Where were the hot women? No...it couldn't be because of her. He loved big breasts!

As for Naruto, after reading frantically through his part of the Fifth Edition, he glanced up at the other clones. Every single one of them shook their heads.

"It's...it's not in here!"

"No level limit," the slender girl repeated.

Was this why she picked an edition of the book that was still being written?!

Naruto collapsed. "...Shiiiiit!"

"Let me see that!" Great Red demanded as he snatched away a piece of the manual. He finally looked up, a snarl on his face.

"Midget, you..."

"Ophis-chan! That's cheating!" Naruto protested.

"No level limit in the fifth edition," the girl emotionlessly said a third time. While her facial expression didn't change, Naruto could swear that there was a hint of smugness there.

Now that the rules had changed. The only thing Naruto could do was adapt. "I'm changing my choice!"

Sirzechs or Azazel were still free after all.

"All picks, final."

Ophis bluntly shot him down.

"I'm changing my level!" Great Red added.

"All picks, final."

Ophis shot this guy down too.

"Shiiiit!" they both shouted once again. They were stuck.

"Midget!" "Ophis-chan!"

"Hmmph," if the smug expression wasn't there before, it was there now. The girl had a proud look on her face.

"Bastard!"

"What's going on?" Issei finally asked. While he had some idea, there wasn't enough information to figure out the whole story.

"Ophis-chan is being unfair, but she's not cheating due to a technicality."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say that she brought in a NG+ character."

"NG+? New Game Plus? Does that mean that that stacked loli is overpowered."

"Forget overpowered, if she passes gas in front of you, you'll die a thousand times"

"Say what?! No way! That's crazy!"

"She's level 666!"

"Is that high?"

"Let me put it this way, most legendary heroes who defeat an ancient evil god tend to have levels between 60 and 99."

"Okay...that's not good."

"Of course it isn't!"

"Hey, how was this game supposed to end again?"

"We were going to do an RPG dating sim, but Ophis wasn't willing to be a capture target. So we decided to try an Adventure RPG, and we had the final bosses lined up, only...we had trouble finding a princess. Man, if I had known, I really should have taken that toad up on her offer..."

"So that means..."

"Uh...well, Multiplayer Fighting RPG."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"...once the levelling phase is over, it's going to end with a Battle royale between all three of you."

"A battle royale...?"

"Last one standing wins."

Issei immediately pointed at himself before pointing at the newcomer.

"...It'll be a tough fight..."

"I want to quit. Tell me how, Now!"

"Hey...hey, easy...man. I'll...answer, just...stop...shaking...me!"

"You..."

"I didn't know she was going to do this either! Okay then. To get out, you can just tear your contract in half. That counts as bailing. But...uh, I wouldn't advise it."

With that, he held out a contract which Issei immediately snatched away. Issei frantically scanned the document, only to pause at the fine print.

"If I try to leave the game after signing the contract, I'll be forced to live my life on a planet filled with muscle men?!"

"What? Really? Is that all? Jeez, I thought these things only came with fatal early-termination clauses. Well, if it says planet, it probably means THAT one.

"Which one?!"

"Eh well, the good news is that you won't have to compete with those men for women."

"What? Really?!" The look on Issei's face made one thing that he had just found out something amazing.

"Yes. Uhh, because there are absolutely no women on that planet."

"..."

"Issei?" Naruto asked, waving a hand before the catatonic boy's face.

"Noooo...this suckkkss! Oh God, to make me choose between boobs or my life. Why must you challenge me so?!"

"Which do you choose then? Honestly, I'd pick the planet with the men. Everyday will be a fight for survival, but you'll grow stronger quickly. And once you become strong enough you'll be able to create a dimension-hopping technique and escape."

"Forget that, I'm not going to give up on Boobs! All I have to do is survive, right?"

"That's the spirit! Ahahahaha, good good. Whew, if you broken it off early, I'd be left without a candidate. An immediate forfeit. Man, that would suck. Okay then, don't worry. With my training program, you'll be able to counter stop in a little over a hundred years."

"A-a hundred years?! I'll be old!"

"Ah hahaha! Not to worry, the competition ends in a month. I was just saying."

"A-a month? Is that enough time to reach her level?"

"Eh, getting to 100 alone in that timeframe is tough, even with cheating but-"

"Hey, get started already you stupid blond monkey."

"Sorry, looks like I need to get the game started. If you have any other questions, I'll answer them later."

* * *

Naruto pulled out a long scroll. Marked at the very top was the title, "The smart(lol) guy's guide to successfully Game Master a roleplaying adventure selfishly demanded by a pair of dragon gods, expert edition."

"It's amazing what you can find on Amazoom these days."

There was something written on the back, "please note that loss of limb and/or head is highly possible. This author bears no responsibility for false information or temperamental gods."

"Let's see...if the players don't know you, then (1) introduce yourself."

Okay maggots, I'm the game master. To you lowlifes, I am god. You shall obey me absolutely, You will sacrifice everything for me. You will shower me with wine, and women. Otherwise, I can make your life a living hell. If you have any complaints, speak them now so that I can smite you with a fist. I-

"Yeah yeah, shut up and get on with it. You're not fooling anyone."

"God damn it! Why'd you have to be a game piece. And why isn't one of you listening? This is important stuff here."

The one who wasn't listening was the crying girl. She was still in the dogeza position while praying desperately for salvation. A had puddle formed underneath her from all of the tears that she was shedding.

"I said get on with it!"

"Yeesh. Impatient much? This is supposed to be my time to shine y'know. Whatever, here's the abbreviated version."

Letting out a cough to clear his throat...

"As the game master, I and my clones are responsible for the rules, giving you quests, allocating exp, yada yada."

2 of him appeared next to him in a cloud of smoke.

"So saying, you each get a Naruto to watch over you. They're easy on the eyes and tons of fun. Don't worry, we promise to stay away as long as you're in the bathroom or doing some other private business."

"Even though some of you have already started the game, once you get home, you will receive a tutorial from one of these handsome fellows. If you have any questions, ask them. That ends the meeting. Game Start. Good Luck and..."

He turned to the two standing next to him and threw down something in anger. It looked like a chopstick with a bit of blue at the end.

"...God damn it! I wanted the girl!"

"Heh."

"I vote that we crush him and redraw."

"Agreed."

The one who won the drawing game was already standing next to a weeping girl.

"Too late suckers!"

He was gone in a flash.

"Che...That bastard ran."

"Chase after him?"

"Too much trouble. Well, good luck then."

"You too," the second one sighed before he approached Great Red. He promptly tossed a chopstick with a red end at Great Red.

Of course the dragon player was having none of that. He easily caught the chopstick before hurling it back.

It missed.

"You. You're with me. Let's go." That Naruto said as he shifted back to a casual position after the easy dodge.

"Are you trying to dictate where I should go?"

"Yeah I am! I am the Game Master!"

"You're looking to die early, aren't you monkey?!"

"Heh, do your worst."

"Gladly."

 _ **Thud.**_

"Ahahaha. What the hell was that?! I barely felt that. Did level 1 really downgrade you to the point where even I, a clone, don't fear you anymore?! So weak, ahahahaha."

"I will level and then bust your ass. Then I'll crush your creator beneath my fist. Mark my words."

"Yeah yeah. Jelly punch! Jelly punch! Who's got a jelly punch?!"

"Grr..."

"Hahaha, I thought this was going to suck. This isn't actually that bad. Hey, hit me again. I want to laugh at you once more...

"..."

"...Woah, that's cheap! Where's your pride as a man?!"

As the two bickered, Issei used 「Observe」

 **Great Red, Lv. 1  
Age: ?  
Faction: Dragon  
Affiliation: -  
HP: 1050/1050  
STR: 99  
AGI: 99  
DEX: 99  
VIT: 99  
INT: 99  
WIS: 99  
LUK: -584 **

**Description: Taking part in The Game, just like you. Gives off a rough and tough biker feeling. His stats are crazy. By taking points from LUK, he was able to bring most of his stats to the absolute limit of a level 1. Avoid at all costs.**

And then that Naruto proceeded to slap Great Red upon the head. The two also disappeared in a flash the instant that palm struck, but you could hear the resounding slap echo through the empty park.

In the midst of the silence that followed, the girl dressed in gothic lolita stepped up to where the last remaining Naruto was standing.

"Naruto..."

"What's up Ophis-chan?"

"You destroyed my book. Pay for it."

"Ah...how much?"

"I, don't want money. I, want a favor instead."

"Uhh...if it's within my power, I guess it's okay."

"I will collect later," she said with a nod before she silently disappeared from sight.

That left the two standing in the middle of the park.

"Hmm...I wonder what she wants."

"Maybe a kiss?"

Issei's suggestion had the Game Master scratching his head.

"Doubt it," he finally said. "Should we be going then?"

"Yeah."

Before they left, Naruto turned toward a bunch of himself that had suddenly appeared.

"Alright guys, get the park cleaned up and disappear."

They saluted him with an easy grin.

"Gotcha Chief!"

Issei and Naruto flickered for a brief instant before they also vanished leaving the clones behind to repair the fountain.

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

Meanwhile, at the third Naruto, the one who ran away...

"I'm going to be eaten. I'm going to be eaten. I'm going to be..."

He was gazing down at the blubbering girl with a sigh.

"Hey, are you going to continue crying here? She's gone already, you know..."

It hadn't been long since he had run away, but a large puddle of water had already collected under the girl again.

"She-She is?! Y-You saved me! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank..."

"If you're really grateful, could you do me a favor?" he interrupted.

"Anything~✩!"

"Sign this..."

Without reading it or anything, she signed the game contract just like that. She held it out after she was done. In doing so, she finally got a good look at her savior.

"Thanks! Welcome to the game." He said as he reached out to pluck the sheet from her hand. But she firmly held onto the slip of document. "Hey...let go..."

"...You!" she screamed, a wand appearing in her hand.

* * *

[WAKE UP! WAKE UP! IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP I'M GOING TO K-KISS YOU…]

The alarm was blaring when they appeared in the room. The trip back to the room had been instantaneous. The problem was that the meeting went on longer than expected and it looked like the day was about to start.

"Ise! For the last time, shut off your alarm and wake up!"

His mom's irritated voice had come from downstairs. How long had his alarm been going?

"I got it! I'm shutting it off now!" Issei called back. With a click, the alarm clock finally fell silent.

"Finally!"

Yeah, she was mad.

"Now that your mom has had her fun, I guess it's my turn."

Issei turned to the blond that had been silent up until now. Oh right, this guy was here.

"It wasn't a dream, was it?"

"Nope."

He had to sigh at that. It looks like he had signed a contract and now he had entered a game. On the bright side, that meant that he hadn't wet the bed.

"So uh, let's see...first order of business once you enter a game is to..."

Naruto pulled out a sheet of scrap paper and looked it over.

"What's your name?"

"What?" Issei asked in a strange voice, thinking that he had misheard.

"It says here that you get a chance to select your name."

"Huh?"

"Don't you know? Whenever you start a new RPG, if you don't like the default name you get to pick your own. So, what will you pick?"

"Umm...what do you suggest?"

"What do I suggest?" Naruto thought about it for a moment. "Let's change your name to HageshiOppaiYuusha (Fierce Oppai Hero)."

"No!"

"Hahaha, too late." With a bang, Naruto was already in the hallway and dashing down the stairwell.

Issei soon ran out, chasing after him.

However, by the time he reached the bottom of the stairwell, Naruto was already gone and the front door was flung wide open.

"Oh, Hero. Didn't you just leave through the front door?"

His mom had appeared. It looked like his dad was still in the dining room.

"He-Hero?"

"Yes, you, HageshiOppaiYuusha. Gosh, it's so long. What were we thinking?"

"We probably wanted to pick a name that only one person would ever possess."

"Yes, I suppose so...anyway, Hero, are you going to eat breakfast today?"

"Not yet mom, did you see someone dash by?"

"We thought that you were in a hurry to go to school. Class starts in fifteen minutes after all. You spent so long waking up I thought that we would need to call an ambulance."

"School? Oh no, school!"

"Hurry up son, or you'll be late."

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

It took a minute to change out of his wet clothes.

It took another 7 minutes to get to school dashing at full throttle.

By the time he got to the school gates, he was gasping for air and about ready to drop.

Naruto stepped away from the wall where he had been waiting to greet him.

"Oh, hey! It looks like you arrived on time. Sorry for not being there to give you this really traditional Gamer quest before you left."

 **「** **Mission: I'm late, I'm late」** **  
It's a weekday and school is about to start. As they say, Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.**

 **Objectives:  
Enter Kuoh's school gates before the bell rings. **

**Quest Success:  
100 exp.  
Slightly Increased Reputation with the Student Council. **

**Quest Failure:  
10 exp.  
Decreased Reputation with the Student Council. **

**Accept? [ Yes ] [ No ]**

Issei weakly hit the "Yes" button.

 **「** **Quest Completed: I'm late, I'm late.」** **  
Objectives:  
Enter Kuoh's school gates before the bell rings. **

**Rewards:  
「** **100 exp awarded.」** **  
「** **2 reputation gained with Student Council 」**

 **「** **You have Levelled Up」**

"Oh nice, you levelled up. Just say 'Status' and you can distribute your points."

"Status?"

"..."

"Nothing happened." Issei finally reported.

"Really? Hmm..." Naruto started waving his hand in midair. "Ah, I figured it out. It looks like you need to reach level 5 before you can view the status screen. Well, keep it up."

"Anyway, you should be inside before homeroom starts. See ya later."

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

"Boob hero!"

When he entered the room, the ones that had called out were his two buddies, Matsuda and Motohama.

"Boob hero!" he happily greeted back. The room...froze.

Why was everyone staring at him like that. What was with this awkward atmosphere?

It didn't take long before his brain made the connection. His new name!

Before he could make a comment or laugh it off, Matsuda had seized him by the shoulder and was shaking him vigorously.

"You managed to escape yesterday! Didn't you?"

"You bastard! You should have taken a beating like the rest of us."

If anything, the girls' glares grew even colder.

These guys...they were totally trying to get revenge. Weren't they?!

"I...don't...know...what...you're...talking...about."

"You liar!" the two screamed as they shook him harder.

"Alright everyone, homeroom is about to start. Please take your seats."

It was with great timing that the teacher entered the room when she did.

Matsuda released him with a tsk and walked off. Before they sat down, the two gave him a look telling him that this wasn't over.

Issei went to his seat and prepared to sit down as well.

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

There was a 'clonk' right as their teacher was about to begin homeroom.

The strange sound made her look up. One of the students was missing.

"HageshiOppaiYuusha-kun?" she slowly called out.

"..." The class silently turned toward Issei's seat.

"HageshiOppaiYuusha-kun?" she called out again.

"Uhh...here?" Issei said as he stood up.

"Take a seat now."

Issei tried doing that, only...

He found himself on the floor as he laid down once again.

"This...is no time for games."

From the way her words were grinding together, it was obvious that she was suppressing her anger.

"I know!" Issei aggravatedly barked out as he stood up again.

"Then what are you waiting for?"

You could see a vein throbbing on her forehead.

Issei tried to sit. He ended up laying on the floor once again.

"I can see that you aren't being serious. Fill up the buckets and go stand in the hallway."

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

A box appeared in front of Issei.

 **「** **Feel the burn.」** **  
Straining to hold up buckets filled with water can be considered a workout.  
STR + 1, VIT + 1**

"What are you doing standing in the hallway?"

Naruto showed up soon afterward.

"Ugh. Whenever I tried to sit down, I either stood up, or laid down. I couldn't sit. Satou-sensei wasn't happy about that at all."

"Ah...that. You need the [Sit] skill. It's a basic skill that appears at level 2."

"I levelled up this morning, didn't I?"

"Yup."

"So I should be level 2 already, right?"

"Yup."

"So why don't I have the skill?"

"Because you have to allocate a skill point to it."

"How do I allocate it?"

"You have to go to the status screen and go to the skills section. Then you level it up."

"Wait wait wait. Don't I need to be level 5 to enter the status screen?"

"That so? Then, I guess you found a bug."

"What?!"

"Well, no helping it. You'll be level 5 soon enough."

"Wait wait wait, I can't do this. I need to sit! I'm still in school!"

"That so? Good news, this crisis creates a quest."

 **「** **Mission: Sit! Stay! That's a good doggy.」** **  
Technical difficulties preclude you from sitting. Learn how to sit before the day is over.  
Objective  
\- Level up to five (2/5)  
\- Open the menu, and then learn the Lvl 2 skill [Sit] **

**(Bonus) Don't Ditch School  
+100 exp  
Decreased reputation with the teachers.  
Decreased reputation with the student council.  
Decreased reputation with peers. **

**(Bonus) Ditch school with a valid excuse  
+100 exp  
Increased reputation with the teachers.  
Increased reputation with the student council. **

**(Bonus) Ditch school without an excuse  
+200 exp  
Increased reputation with the school delinquents.  
Decreased reputation with the teachers.  
Decreased reputation with the student council. **

**(Bonus) Stand outside the classroom until class is over.  
+100 exp  
\+ 20 yen. **

**Quest Completion:  
+100 yen  
+100 exp  
Receive Skill [Sit]  
Quest ends. **

**Quest Failure:  
+50 exp.  
-1000 yen  
Quest repeats every weekday until [Sit] is learned. **

**Accept: [Yes] [No]**

"What is this?!" Issei shrieked.

The door suddenly slid open.

"HageshiOppaiYuusha-kun, since you can't seem to remain silent in the hallway, go to the counselor's office. And see me after school for detention."

...

As he walked away, Issei pressed the [Yes] button.

 **「** **Quest Accepted: Sit, Stay, That's a good doggy.」** **  
Bonus objective failed.**

Issei had to resist the urge to facepalm.

Naruto had already disappeared. However, the teacher's request reminded him of something important.

"Hey, you still there?"

"Yup."

The voice came from above. One of the ceiling tiles pulled itself away, revealing the grinning blond.

How'd he get up there so quickly? Like a monkey leaving a branch, the blond guy left the confines of the ceiling and was walking next to him soon after.

"So...my name changed," Issei conversationally began.

"It did! How do you like it?"

"Change it back now!"

"Ah. Sorry, can't do it...we're past that stage already. Although...there is a quest that you can do..."

"I'll take it!"

"Thought you'd say that."

 **[Quest Alert: They call me Bondo, Jaimuzu Bondo ]  
Sometimes your name isn't all it's cracked up to be. Thankfully, the all-important nametag lets others know what they should call you. Fallen Angels use them occasionally in their infiltration attempts. As a sidenote, you're not a Fallen Angel so it's not like they'll give you one. **

**Objectives:  
Obtain a nametag from a Fallen Angel and use it. (0/1) **

**(Bonus) Infiltrate a Fallen Angel stronghold and lift a nametag without anyone knowing  
+5,000 exp  
Receive Title [Special Agent Ghost] **

**(Bonus) Infiltrate a Fallen Angel stronghold by pretending to be a multimillionaire, woo an attractive lady, defeat the boss using guts and wit, and successfully escape with the lady while the facility explodes.  
\+ 5,000 exp  
Receive Title [Agent 007] **

**(Bonus) Complete the quest before level 30  
+5,000 exp  
Receive Title [Women beware, International Spy with License to Kill] **

**Quest completion:  
+10,000 yen  
+10,000 exp  
[Accessory: Nametag] **

**Quest failure  
+1,000 exp **

**Accept [Yes] [No]**

Issei quickly hit Accept, however he had a question. Well, he had several regarding the titles but there was one question that was slightly more pressing...

"Why is there so much exp for this quest?"

"Ah, that's because it was intended for you to challenge the quest between levels 50 and 60, when players actually realized that the name that they picked earlier wasn't as cool as they thought it would be."

"..."

"I think I might need to hold off..."

"You sure? You can get a whole ton of levels quick if you pull it off. Don't forget, you have to face a level 666 opponent."

"I'm...kind of sure. I mean, is it even possible for me right now?"

"No."

"There! See!

"I don't get it, if I were in your shoes, I'd do it anyway. And I'd probably pull through on sheer guts alone."

"No thanks."

"Pfft. Pansy."

"Whatever! What else can I do to level up then?"

"Umm..." He snapped his fingers. "Ah! Random encounter!"

"Huh?"

"So uh, ready to fight?"

"What?"

"Let's go outside first."

"..."

* * *

After Issei switched to his outdoor shoes, the two soon found themselves secretly exiting the school from a back exit and proceeding toward the forest that surrounded the academy. When the academy and the old school building were finally hidden from view by the trees, Naruto stopped.

"This looks like a good place. First I'll lay down a battlefield."

After reaching down and touching the ground, the air suddenly took on a slightly blueish tint.

"Done! Now then, Ise, open your inventory and pull out the copper sword."

"...How?"

"Ah right, your status window is still locked. Eh...no worries, your opponent isn't going to be that tough anyway."

As Naruto said this, there was crash before a massive toad easily twice Issei's height came into view.

...

 **「** **Big Toad Lv ?」**

Issei looked upward, taking one brief glance at the Toad staring down at him before he whirled around.

"Where are you going?" Naruto casually asked as his hand darted out and seized the boy by the collar.

"It's huge! I'm unarmed! How am I supposed to fight that?!"

"That? You wanna fight GamaGama. Unarmed? Seriously dude, I wouldn't advise it. But I like your guts so..."

"Wait! No no no, I don't want to fight him!"

"Aww...well, all right. Sorry buddy."

Said toad looked a little sad as well.

"So, did you get what I asked for?" Naruto asked the toad.

The toad let out a croak before spitting out a slime covered boar.

"Urp. Little bugger kicked worse than some flies," the toad muttered in a gravely voice.

"It talked!"

"Of course he can talk. Since when can nin-toads not talk?"

"I...I...oh look, a boar," Issei managed a saving roll on his sanity by successfully noticing something that made more sense.

 **「** **Slime-Covered Forest Boar Lv 2」** **  
HP: 23 / 40**

"Yes. That's your opponent. So uh, get started. We don't have all day."

"Ugh, gross! Couldn't it be an attractive girl if it's going to be covered in slime?"

Picking up a stick, Issei slowly approached the wildly shaking boar. Right when he could reach out and poke the boar with a stick...

"Bweeeee!"

Issei barely managed to dodge the boar's frantic charge.

But the boar didn't run off into the forest. Instead, it turned around.

"Bweeeeee!"

"What the hell!"

Issei had barely dodged again.

The boar turned around once again.

"Bweeeee!"

"Hey!"

After several passes, Issei eventually found himself in a bad position. The boar charged again.

 _ **THUD.**_

Direct hit. It should be mentioned that the boar happened to be the right height for a certain unmentionable but devastating attack.

As Issei curled inward and collapsed with a soul-rending shriek, a series of words soon flashed across his eyes as everything went dark.

 **「** **You have died.」**

...

...

...

"...up..."

"...get up..."

"I said...get up!"

 _ **SPLASH.**_

"Geh."

Issei shot awake with a gasp.

"Finally! Sheesh, fainting like that just because your son took a critical hit."

"I saw my grandpa in heaven! That's how close I was to death."

"You're just hallucinating! A hit like that isn't going to kill you. Turn you into a girl, maybe, but not kill you."

"Then where's the pig? "

"Somewhere over there. It can't leave while the battlefield is up."

"This seems a little tough. Let's get back to quests."

"Are you chickening out? After the boar crushed your pride and joy?!"

"What am I supposed to do then!"

At that point, Issei looked like he was about to cry, but Naruto wasn't about to stop there.

"About the quests, there are none!"

"What?!"

"You left school. Your reputation is in the pits. And the rest are out of your level range. You tell me, where are you going to find a quest?"

"Uh..."

"Hahahaha, I'm just messin with ya. Finding a quest is as easy as walking down the street and looking for a troubled nun."

"Bastard!"

But just as Issei was about to do just that, Naruto had something else to say.

"But hey...I have a question. Why didn't you use your special skill?"

And Issei's mood did an abrupt 180.

"What? Special skill?"

"There IS a reason why I picked you, you know."

"So if I didn't have it...that special skill"

"You'd just be a pervert. "

"Ugh..."

"Ah, I mean that in a good way. Some of the greatest people that I've known were perverts. You'd be surprised how much they could power up once their motivation meter hit MAX."

"Eh?"

"But I'm trying to win here. I'd choose you if I had a year, but a month isn't going to cut it if you just have motivation. That's why I was looking for someone with a shortcut. And yours was _Dragon_ something...hang on a moment."

"Ah, there. [Dragon Booster]. Oh, there are another two skills, [Boost] and [Explosion]."

"I have skills like those? What do they do?"

"Dragon Booster...summons the Boosted Gear."

「Dragon Booster」

A red gauntlet with yellow wings and a profound appearance appeared on Issei's arm covering much of his hand and forearm.

"What is this?" the boy gaped as he stared down at his arm.

Naruto gave a shrug before reading the next skill in the list...

"Boost..." he started to say before he was interrupted.

"Say no more! I'm not sure why, but I somehow know this one. It came to me when this...thing appeared."

He slowly pushed himself to a standing position while ignoring the pain from his loins.

"Ok you pig. Round two! I'm getting revenge for that cheap attack!"

「Boost」

Issei ran off in the direction where the boar was last seen. Naruto moved to follow.

「Boost」

The boar was snuffling around when Issei spotted it.

「Explosion」

All of a sudden, Issei's speed quadrupled and he quickly shot forward. The boar had no time to react when Issei's foot came down.

 _ **Punt...**_

"Bweeee...!"

 _ **BAM**_

"Nice kick." Naruto casually commented as he watched the pig crash into a distant tree trunk before it scattered into motes of light.

Issei, promptly collapsed while gasping heavily for air. Using the boosted gear took quite a lot out of him.

"Where'd it go?" Issei finally asked as he stared at the window before him.

 **「** **Slime-Covered Forest Boar Defeated. 10 XP gained.」**

 **「** **You have leveled up」**

"Ah, that boar was special. You can sort of say that it's a digital creation made reality. I like them because they don't leave a mess when you fight them. And since they're not exactly alive, there's no real guilt when you kill them by accident."

"Ah..."

There was a crash before another large toad appeared.

"So now that you beat your first opponent, ready for the next one?"

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

The sun was starting to set as Issei practically dragged himself home.

 **「** **Mission Complete: Sit! Stay! That's a good doggy.」** **  
Objectives:  
\- Level up to five (5/5)  
\- Open the menu, and then learn the Lvl 2 skill [Sit]  
\- (Bonus) Ditch school without an excuse **

**Completion Rewards:  
+100 yen  
+200 exp + 100 exp (Bonus)  
Increased reputation with the school delinquents. (Bonus)  
-50 reputation with the teachers. (Bonus)  
-50 reputation with the student council. (Bonus)  
Receive Skill [Sit]  
Notice [Conditions fulfilled, Quest will not repeat.]**

 **「** **Your reputation with the student council has been downgraded to wary.」**

But now he could see his status screen.

 **Hageshi Oppai Yuusha, Lv 6  
Age: 16  
Faction: Human  
Affiliation: Perverted Trio  
HP: 120 / 120  
STR: 3 (+1)  
AGI: 2  
DEX: 2  
VIT: 5 (+2)  
INT: 2 (+1)  
WIS: 1  
LUK: 3  
Unallocated Stat Points: 12 **

**Yen: 500  
Exp: 450 / 1000 **

**Description: A useless member of society who dreams of possessing a harem someday. The chances of that happening is pretty slim.**

 **Skills:  
[Sit] - The ability to plant your rear on a chair or any other flat surface. HP and MP recovers at double the current rate when sitting. **

**[Observe Lv. 3] - Carefully paying attention to your surroundings allows you to spot details that others will miss.**

 **[Eyes of a Pervert Lv. 7] - Allows you to determine a girl's vital statistics. Activates when 「** **Observe」** **is used.**

 **[Beginner's Boosted Gear Lv. 1] - Your unique special skill. Enables the following skills [Dragon Booster] [Boost] [Explosion]. Higher skill levels reduces HP cost and increases explosion duration.**

 **[Dragon Booster] - Summons the Boosted Gear**

 **[Boost] Stores power into the boosted gear. Each time [Boost] is used, the power stored is doubled. Until [Explosion] is used, stored power will not affect your current stats. When [Explosion is used], the stored power multiplies all stats except LUK by 2 ^ X. (Stackable, Unlimited, Cooldown 10 seconds, Drains 9 2 ^ X HP every time [Boost] is used where X is the current Boost Level, Skill will fail if [Boost] will bring the HP below zero).**

 **[Explosion] - Releases the Boosted Gear's stored power, boosting stats for 1 second. Once used, the Boost Level is reset to 0.**

 **Titles:  
[Gamer] - Grants the title holder a body that allows for one to live the real world like a game. After sleeping in a bed, restore HP, MP, and removes all status effects. **

**[Unabashed Pervert] - You're a pervert, and proud of it. Naturally, you'll devote some of your brainpower to finding the best peeping spots and your body has been conditioned to tolerate extreme pain when discovered. (Int + 1, Vit + 1)**

 **Perks:  
Unlocked at level 10 **

He sort of wished that he hadn't...

Except for the boosted gear, there was a lot to be disappointed about.

When he was finally able to open the status screen, Naruto had an odd comment about one of his skills.

"You know, it's weird how you have a [Gamer] title. Normally it'd be broken up into two skills [Gamer's Mind] and [Gamer's Body]? Though, I'm not really sure why [Gamer's Mind] exists in the first place..."

He didn't say anything more. Weird.

Closing the menu, he started walking in the direction of his home on the wide tree-lined pedestrian walkway that partially covered the route from Kuoh Academy to his home.

"Wait!"

The shout came from behind. Turning, he saw an attractive girl with a slender body and long black hair. The school uniform that she wore seemed to be straining to hold her chest.

 **「** **Amano Yuuma Lv 1」**

He turned away, thinking she was calling out to someone else. That lucky bastard.

"I said wait!"

"?"

Issei stopped and looked around. He saw a bunch of men turning to see the girl, some even had hopeful expressions on their faces. But it looked like she was coming this way, and no one was near him. Confused, he pointed at himself.

The girl nodded happily as she came to a stop before him, indicating that he was the one that she had called out to.

"U-Umm...you see, I've been interested in you for a while now..."

"Y-You were?"

"...Yeah. Umm, I wanted to know, are you currently seeing anyone?"

At this point, Issei's eyes were darting left and right for a hidden camera. There were a bunch of jealous glares from the other men, but the only hidden thing that he saw was an **「** **Uzumaki Naruto Lv ?」** behind a nearby tree.

"N-No. No! Of course not! In fact, most of the time the girls that see me scream and run away in fear. So I'm definitely single and...yeah, no girlfriend. Heh..."

"R-Really? I wonder why...you seem so nice."

"T-Thanks."

"Then, if it's okay with you...if you're not interested in someone else already...please go out with me!"

"Y-Yes...Yes please! I would like that very much!"

"Great! I'm Amano Yuuma."

"Hyoudou Issei.

"Huh? Hyoudou Issei? I thought you were HageshiOppaiYuusha."

"W-What?! No no, that was a mistake."

Naruto, that bastard! He had to get this fixed immediately. Maybe he would challenge that level 60 quest at level 6. Otherwise the misunderstandings just keep piling up.

Although...why did she know that name already? She didn't go to Kuou. In fact, he was proud to say that he knew all of the girls' uniforms for all schools in this area and yet he didn't recognize hers. Ah well, maybe she heard that name somewhere else. It wasn't important, being suspicious of someone this cute is worthy of being called a crime after all.

"I thought so. Then, since your given name is so long, I'll call you Hero. Will that be okay?"

"Geh! It seems like she was mistaken about the mistake. He had to correct her before it was too late."

"Amano-san I..."

"Please! We're boyfriend and girlfriend. Please call me by my name."

"Y-Yuuma-chan?"

"Yes! Exactly! Thank you for listening to my selfish request."

"Ah...ahahaha." Issei had to laugh awkwardly in reply. She was so nice and polite!

"Umm...Hero. Now that we're boyfriend and girlfriend, are you free on Sunday?"

"Sunday? I think so, why?"

"Let's go on a date!"

"A date? Already?"

"Time waits for no one. How about it?"

"...S-Sure, okay. Let's have a date on Sunday."

"Great! I have to go now, but I'll see you on Sunday!"

"O-Okay. Got it. I'll see you then." Issei said with a determined nod.

"Take care then, Hero."

As the girl said Hero, she giggled before she turned and hurried off. Issei was somewhat spellbound over how her laugh sounded like bells chiming in the wind.

Near the end of the walkway, a petite girl with blond haired tied into twintails wearing a tennis outfit with a really short skirt ran out from behind a tree and caught up to her. The two shared a laugh and continued walking.

"This will be the first time in my sixteen years of life that I've ever had a date!" he cheered out loud, ignoring the jealous glares from the other men.

With a happy grin on his face and his energy at an all-time high, Issei used a certain skill on the girl hoping to know more about her. Specifically her vital stats.

「Observe」

Text immediately appeared before him as the two girls disappeared around the corner.

 **Amano Yuuma, Lv. 1  
Age: 16  
Faction: ?  
Affiliation: ?  
HP: 30/30  
STR: 1  
AGI: 1  
DEX: 1  
VIT: 1  
INT: 1  
WIS: 1  
LUK: 1 **

**88/60/86 (Error: Data is invalid. Target is in disguise and skill level is too low to perceive actual values.)**

 **Description: Not much is known about the one called Amano Yuuma. She seems kind and thoughtful though.**

 **Title: ?**

 **Skills: ?**

 **Perks: ?**

"See? This is why the skill is broken. It's totally unfair how I had to bumble through everything while you get a warning in advance."

Issei was equally disappointed.

"I know right, I can't get a read on her three sizes! Wait! Why do you always disappear whenever someone shows up?"

"It's supposed to be your game, not mine. If I'd been standing next to you, that girl would...hmm...probably have run away."

"Huh? Why?"

"Wasn't she waiting until you were alone?"

"Huh? I guess so. But why didn't she see you walking next to me?"

"Ah, it's a convenient skill that I learned from my second perverted sensei. I'm basically bending light so that I blend in with the surroundings."

"Can you teach me?"

Issei was already imagining the possibilities of such a skill. If he had that skill, he could stand inside of the girl's locker room without being seen. INSIDE!

"Yep."

"Really?!"

"Whoops, I meant to say that...yes, I can teach you that skill but I don't feel like it."

"Why not?"

"Eh, basically you aren't using the energy that's needed. And starting from scratch is a real hassle considering how old you are right now and the time that you will need to even learn the basics. On the bright side, you might be able to unlock it in the game. If you do, I'll show you then."

Naruto lazily pressed a spot in midair.

 **[Quest Alert: He's the GameMaster!]  
The GM has some amazing secrets. Oddly, he's been showing skills that appear to be great for sneaking into high security areas, getting what you want, and leaving without being caught. They'd be perfect for getting into places like the girl's locker room! **

**He might pass on a skill or two to you if you can find out more about him**

 **Objective:  
Figure out and unlock the same energy source used by the GM. Here's a hint, it's not magic. **

**Quest Completion:  
Skill [?]  
Skill [?] **

**Accept [Yes] [No]**

"Okay!"

Issei quickly hit the Yes button. This was great. If he managed to figure out what energy Naruto was using, he had the chance to get a sweet peeping skill.

"But why do you run off and hide if you're invisible?"

"Huh? It's not true invisibility. If someone were close, they'd see that the air is slightly distorted."

"Oh..." Issei blinked as another thought occurred to him. "Wait, are you using it right now?"

"Yes...why?

"Then, how come I can see you as if you're not using it? "

"Really?! So that's why you hadn't said anything before! Weird. I'm not sure myself, but I think it has something to do with the game. Like maybe the game is showing you where I am at all times because I'm an important figure."

"Makes sense I guess...Game..."

"Wow. Do you have another question?"

"Yeah...Earlier...Earlier you said something about warning?"

"D-Did I? Really? I don't recall at all! Humm..."

Issei didn't believe the innocent expression on the whiskered blond's face for an instant.

"Anyway, here..."

It seemed like Naruto realized that he wasn't being believable as well, since his next move was to redirect the boy's attention.

A new quest appeared before Issei...

 **[Quest Alert: A date, It's a Date!]  
This...what is this?! Unless the girl has malevolent intentions, this scenario is all but impossible for a worthless dreg of society like you. Be that as it may, you have somehow found yourself with an upcoming date. And the girl is really attractive too. May lightning strike you three times in the next half hour. **

**Since it's not possible to dissuade you, you only have one objective.**

 **Objectives:  
Survive the date. **

**(Bonus) Show off the girl to your parents.  
\+ 100 exp  
-1 WIS  
-1 INT  
\- 10 HP  
Increased reputation with your parents. **

**(Bonus) Show off the girl to your worthless friends  
\+ 100 exp  
\- 50 HP  
Decreased reputation with the Perverted Trio **

**(Bonus) ?  
+1 LUK **

**(Bonus) Show up on time for the date. "Nothing pisses off a girl more than standing her up at the appointed time."  
\+ 100 exp.  
+1 WIS **

**(Bonus) Show the girl around town.  
\+ 100 exp. **

**(Bonus) Leave the girl with a good impression  
+500 exp  
+1 INT **

**(Bonus) Try not to die when she tries to kill you.  
+1000 exp  
+1 WIS **

**(Bonus) ?  
? **

**(Bonus) ?  
? **

**(Bonus) ?  
? **

**Quest Completed:  
+200 exp **

**Quest Failure:  
100% Dead **

**Accept [Yes] [No]**

"I'm starting to get worried here."

"Then hit 'No'"

"Heck no, what are the chances that this'll ever happen again?"

"You'd be surprised."

Issei's hand hovered over the Yes button for a brief moment when he heard that vote of confidence. And then, he decisively pressed down.

"Hey, I have a question. What's with these bonuses that are full of question marks?"

"If you do die, those objectives are fulfilled."

"Why do you keep saying die anyway?"

"Stone cold. Pushing up daisies. Dead is dead, what else can it mean?"

"It's a game, right? Where are the extra lives? Where are the continues?"

"Ah, those. Umm, you've got 0 extra lives, no continues, no resurrection spells, and your inventory lacks fairies in jars. "

"Where can I find one of those?"

"Which one?"

"Any!"

"This game doesn't have lives. You have yet to find a save point; I can't help you there. You don't have the right class for resurrection spells. Your best bet is the fairy...except they're faster than metal slimes. At your level, you wouldn't have a chance. Still, here's an empty bottle."

 **Received [Empty Bottle]**

Issei promptly hurled the bottle toward the ground where it promptly shattered into a million fragments. The pieces promptly broke into motes of light.

"What's with this?! If I go on the date, I'll die. If I don't go, I'll die a virgin! "

"Hey, look on the bright side."

"Is there one?"

The beleaguered boy could be forgiven if his voice sounded a little harsh.

"Yup, today is Thursday. You've got 3 days to come up with a solution."

.✩ ✩ ✩ ✩ ✩.

As night fell...

"Thanks for letting me stay over."

Naruto was brushing junk on the floor aside so that he could set up a sleeping bag at the foot of Issei's bed.

"I couldn't just let you sleep outside."

It looked like Issei had finally calmed down.

"I've got a tent and camping supplies and I'm used to living outdoors. It would have been fine."

"...yeah but..."

"In fact, I kinda prefer it. But if you insist..."

"I do..."

"No helping it. So once again, thanks for letting me stay over."

"Yeah. Hey, I have a question."

"Another one? Well, go ahead."

"What do we get if we win?"

"Mm...nothing really. This is a competition between the three of us, and you guys are just game pieces that we picked. As long as you played, it didn't matter how we convinced you."

"What...really? No wishes or anything? Or awesome prizes?"

"None."

"Bummer. And now my life is in danger."

"It happens."

"Couldn't you be nicer about it?"

"No way. It's funny. Ah, but even if the other two don't do anything. I'll owe you a favor for helping me. Win or lose. Just don't give up. Trust me, my favors are much sought after since I rarely break promises."

"Are they easy to get?"

"No, not really. Just those that I trust not to abuse the privilege. And even then, it's rare. It's hard to guarantee a promise after all."

"What can I get for a favor?"

"Depends on what you want?"

"So if I wished for a harem."

"That one's...actually not something you should call a favor in for."

"What? Why?!"

"Don't sell yourself short. Seriously. I'll help you get it started once this is over, but in this game you'll soon see that using a favor to create a harem is unnecessary."

"...Thanks."

"Anytime."

Issei pointed at the TV in his room.

"So hey, wanna watch some porn before going to bed?"

"I've got something better. This will totally blow your mind."

He pulled out something that looked like a pair of glasses.

When Issei woke up the next day, he couldn't help but feel that he had just experienced something amazing.

* * *

 **Author's Notes:**

And cut. This should be a good place to stop. The stage is set. All three players have picked their pieces, and you get to see Naruto screwing around on Issei's first day as a Gamer.

It's a story about Naruto as a game master. In a tabletop game, the GM is the person who organizes the game, answers questions, directs the story, sets the rules, and arbitrates the conflicts according to the rules. Of course, he's not smart enough to create the Gamer interface himself, but he's not the only superpowerful being involved in the conflict.

Ophis, the kickstarter of this event shows up in the Dimensional Gap because it's not just Great Red inhabiting it. Naruto is far more social than Great Red so he drags her in even when she refuses. Because he keeps roping her in, she's gotten used to showing up in the Dimension Gap even when the two are inside. So she visits occasionally.

This had been in planning for a while now, but I wanted to release it while HS DxD was still popular. Because, unlike those who claim to have something different, this story IS different.

I can't hope to match the speed of the other writers, nor can I bullshit "cool" and "badassery", but for those that haven't seen my other stories, I can guarantee that in this short five chapter-ish journey you'll see a story filled with things that HAVE been done before.

"I'm just repeating what others do. So what," you ask? I 'm paraphrasing this from something Carrotglace said about his own stories, but I specialize in taking old ideas and putting a new spin on them.

The ending has been plotted. And here's the beginning. All that's left is to fill in the details. Let's have fun together.

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If you want to know about some of the references...

Level 666 - Symbol of the devil. And a shout-out to one of my favorite games, Disgaea. Forget those level 99 caps and expect damage on the order of billions. Slimes beware.

Name changes - If you've played RPG's before, you're no doubt aware that many let you personalize your name. Chrono Trigger, Mass Effect. Here, the end result is pretty bad, but Naruto...was just having fun. Besides, it's all good once Issei completes that quest.

The level 5 status window and the Sit Skill - If you've played Ragnarok Online I, you'll know that you actually need to level up and allocate a basic skill point in order to sit. The same situation happened here, Issei wasn't able to sit and his teacher got angry. The level 5 status window follows the same idea, except the purpose is different. It's to show that the game is Buggy! It's a minor inconvenience here, but other bugs are going to show up.

Naruto dragging the boar in and throwing it at Issei. - I don't remember what story I got this idea from. I thought it was funny though. And it puts a realistic spin on things since the majority of the Gamer stories just say "Monsters Appears." As if by magic~

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With Thanks:

Umm, the blurb at the beginning regarding the game with the crazy villainess comes from "The Strange Relationship between Oppai Dragon and Ramen Chef" by **Death to Original Naming**.

This idea was conceived as a casual comment in **Drake Wilson** 's Think Tank Forum. Then, since it wasn't taken, I figured that I could repurpose it.

Thanks for **DigitalKites** for telling me that the edition 5 joke was too obvious. I tried to make it more subtle.

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Recommendations:

Zero no Tsukaima: Saito the Onmyoji by **SeerKing.** _(Zero no Tsukaima)_ An interesting take on Zero no Tsukaima where Saito is significantly more competent. His problem solving strategy demonstrates far more finesse as a result. It's interesting seeing a Louise who knows herself very well. To the point where she gives forewarning about how she would react if woken up by a stranger.

Shared Strength by **KnightEstoc**. _(Sword Art Online)_. An alternate history where Sinon shows up in Aincrad with the rest. There are a few stories like this out, but this one shows Sinon and Kirito working closely together instead of soloing like their usual Modus Operandi. It's through this partnership that you see others being roped in.

EtoTama ( _Anime_ ). Part of the spring 2015 season of anime. 12 episodes. It's a funny whimsical series which doesn't skimp on the action scenes. I wouldn't call it moving, but I had a ton of fun watching it.


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